30th September

The Prime Minister, Neville Chamberlain, flew into Croydon airport today in 1938 with a scrap of paper. It contained Adolf Hitler's promise to invade no more countries after Czechoslovakia. He called it, optimistically, 'peace with honour', echoing Benjamin Disraeli's phrase after the Congress of Berlin in 1878. Unfortunately, Hitler was not of the calibre of the statesmen Disraeli sparred with and the scrap of paper was worthless.
Was Chamberlain aware of that? Almost certainly, but years of Appeasement had made Britain unwilling to face up to Europe's bully-boys.

In other news ...
Today in 1630, John Billington was executed for murder in New Plymouth, beginning a fine tradition that Americans still continue to this day.

29th September

The first automatic telephone answering machine was tested today in 1950 by the Bell Company. The recorded message went like this:-

'Hello Caller, You have reached the Bell Company. I'm afraid no one is here to take your call at the moment so if you'd like to leave a message after the Bell stops ringing, someone will get back to you. If you have a query about other Bell Company services, Press Button A. If you have a query about your bill, Press Button B. If you need to talk to a person ... er ... oh, dear, I'm afraid all our buttons are busy right now. Please try later (about 1985).

In other news ...
George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright, raconteur and general smartarse, turned down a peerage today in 1930; not on any socialist principles, but because he realized how silly the title Lord Shaw of Ayot St Lawrence would sound.

The Maxwells are not known for their socialising and giddy gadding about, but we did manage to get down to Kent last weekend to stay with some friends and whilst there, went to see a band I had heard of but never seen, the fabulous Coal Porters. Their new CD - apparently known as an 'album' by you youngsters out there, called Find the One is newly out and I have to say that my foot was tapping throughout. Buy it - you'll love it, I promise, especially Hush You, Babe.

28th September

The First International met today in London in 1864. Its leader was the indefatigable Karl Marx (whose brother, Harpo, by coincidence died on this day in 1964). Among Marx's best known lines -

• Religion is the opium of the people.
• You have nothing to lose but your chains; you have a world to win.
• Friedrich, can you lend me ten bob 'til week Thursday.

In other news ...
Herman Melville, the author of Moby Dick died today in 1891. The story, about a man's obsession to get revenge on a great, white whale, is an allegory on any number of levels and is quite brilliant. It would be unpublishable today because:

1. Greenpeace would object to whaling.
2. Captain Ahab has only one leg - health and safety implications.
3. The book has too many silly names for modern readers - Queequeg, Nantucket, Pequod.
4. The title is obscene and would have to be changed to Moby Male Member - mind you, the alliteration works!

27th September

One of the most famous letters in history landed on the desk of the Central News Agency today in 1888. It began 'Dear Boss' and ended 'Yours truly, Jack the Ripper'. It sparked the greatest and longest-running murder industry in the world.

In other news ...
Some books will tell you that Engelbert Humperdinck died on this day in 1921. Please go to your local library TODAY and alter this in any relevant book. Engelbert Humperdinck sang Britain's entry in this year's Eurovision Song Contest. Mind you, he didn't look well ....

26th September

Dan'l Boone, the famous American frontiersman, died today in 1820. He was buried with his favourite span'l.

In other news...
The Holy Alliance was formed today in 1815 between the powers that had defeated Napoleon. Russia, Austria and Prussia all put pen to paper and agreed to come to each other's aid even if it meant putting down democratic risings. Britain, who had done more than anybody else to beat the French, refused, our man at the Congress of Vienna, Lord Castlereagh, calling the whole thing a 'piece of sublime mysticism and nonsense'.

What would he made of the EU?

25th September

In a scene reminiscent of dear old Leighford High any day of the week, 1000 men of the 101st Airborne Division with fixed bayonets marched into Little Rock High School today in 1957 so that nine black children could take their rightful places in class. Outside the school, a mini-riot ensued. Where did all this happen?

That would be America, the land of the free.

In other news ...
The first blood transfusion took place today in 1818 at Guy's Hospital in London, but everybody was rather ... oh, negative about it.

24th September

Today in 1877 a rebellion of Japan's samurai was put down by the government. You've probably seen the story filmed as The Last samurai with Tom Cruise. It's not bad historically, except that the country offering military advice to the Japanese government was Germany, not America. The idea was that the samurai were an armour-wearing anachronism, whose code of Bushido ( the way of the warrior) was hopelessly out of date. Why was it then that Bushido was still there in the 1940s which explains the appalling brutality meted out by the Japanese to British, Australian and Dutch prisoners of war? And why has Japan's 'enlightened' government never apologized for that?

In other news ...
Otto von Bismarck, the Prussian Chancellor, came out with one of his great bon mots today in 1862. 'The great questions of the age,' he said, 'are not settled by speeches and majority votes, but by iron and blood.'

Right on, Otto. The result? Germany 0; Rest of the world 2.

23rd September

There was a furore today in 1987 when ex-Intelligence officer Peter Wright's book Spycatcher was published in Australia. The man was a whistle blower, spilling info he should not have done under the Official Secrets Act. MI5 went into a tail spin, the Sunday Times was held in contempt of court and the government went ape-faeces.

How different it all is today. We all know the name and address of MI5's M (it's Judy Dench, by the way - cunningly doubling as an actress); it no longer matters about your sexual orientation if you want to be a spy (as long as it's more or less Not'Nor'west) and they advertise in the paper - 'Top Spies Wanted. No Experience or Qualifications Necessary'. What bothered me about the Spycatcher Case was the fact that a man we trusted the security of the country yo could be photographed wearing such a silly hat.

In other news ...
The blue-print for all modern police forces was seen for the first time today in 1912 when Mack Sennet's Keystone Cops hurtled at high speed across the screen, wearing summer regulation straw helmets and huge moustaches. It is still going on today, minus the straw helmets and huge moustaches in every constabulary in the country.

Oops; I think I'd better delete this because the Mem (who some of you will know is a Detective Inspector of some repute) has threatened to take away my computer for forensic analysis.

Also, I should apologise for the lateness of this blog. Today's downpours have finally been too much for the roof of Casa Maxwell and water is pouring merrily into the bathroom and heading down the stairs. The builder is on his way, but I hope he comes soon because my finger is getting tired plugging the leak.

22nd September

Robert Walpole, the Whig leader whose career was a byword for corruption, moved into the new house for Prime Ministers, Number 10, Downing Street, today in 1735. Next door was one of his cronies, the Chancellor of the Exchequer (oh, no, wait a minute - that was Walpole too). Everybody else in the street was so appalled by their new neighbour that they not only left, they had their houses demolished.

In other news ...
It was today in 1980 that Idi (The Last King of Scotland) Amin told Uganda's 80,000 Asians they had 48 hours to leave the country.

The whites were given six minutes.

21st September

Bonnie Prince Charlie (the young chandelier - see yesterday's post) won a battle at Prestonpans today in 1745. I mention this for three reasons:

1. It was the only battle Charlie ever won - finally losing the one with booze in 1788.
2. It inspired a brilliant folk song about the English commander General Sir John Cope - 'Hey, Johnnie Cope, are you waulking [awake] yet?'
3. Isn't it great that our wonderful country has a place in it called Prestonpans?

In other news ...
John Loudon MacAdam was born today in 1756. He went on to become one of the great road engineers of the Industrial Revolution using gravel held together by tar. it has since come to be known as TarAdam and you see it everywhere.
P.S. It usually melts in the summer, to the unaccountable amazement of local councils everywhere.

20th September

Today in 1959, Nikita Khrushchev was denied access to Disneyland for security reasons. The actual reason was that none of the Mickey Mouse actors (Mickey Mice actors ...???) wanted to hug him.

And who can blame them?

In other news ...

It's a perfect day for sailors today. In 1519, Ferdy ('I tell you the world is round') Magellan set sail from Seville with a little fleet of five ships. And in 1580, Frankie ('Yes, it is and it all belongs to England') Drake came back with five ships having circumcized the globe.

All teachers reading this will know that the above is not a typo - in this specific case it is a quote from an exam paper from Leavon Clutterbuck (not his real name) of 7 Eff Pee, c. 1983.

19th September

'Try stubbing out a cigarette with both feet while rubbing your back with a towel.'
This action describes -

1. Discovering a fire in Pudding Lane, London, in 1666 and attempting to prevent its spread
2. Being Lord Mayor of London 2012
3. Doing the Twist 1960
4. Auditioning for the part of James Bond 1960-2012?

Answer please to: Mr C Checker (oh, damn; I've given it away!)

In other news ...
Lesley Hornby was born today in 1949. She's better known as Twiggy and was the face of the Sixties modelling scene. Amazingly, she's still going strong today and still looks great. Unlike the other Sixties models, Stringy, Skinny and Skeletal who, frankly, are beginning to show their age.

18th September

'What dreadful hot weather we have! It keeps me in a continual state of inelegance.' So wrote Jane Austen to a friend today in 1796. This quotation is for my old enemies in the English and Geography Departments really. Geographers please note - global warming as far back as 1796, so stop whingeing and spreading tales of doom and panic. Englishers - why is your darling writing such tosh (see Persuasion, Northanger Abbey etc etc) when she should have been writing about the extraordinary French Revolution happening only a few miles away at the time.

In other news ...
Another one for the English Department. Samuel Johnson was born today in 1709, in Lichfield (shame!). He is heralded today as one of the first lexicographers in the world. In fact he was a neurotic bossy-boots with a nervous tic who is famous only because an equally neurotic bossy-boots - James Boswell - wrote down every word the great man uttered. To see Johnson put firmly in his place, see Robbie Coltrane's performance of him in Blackadder III; perfect!

17th September

Hector Berlioz triumphed on this day back in 1837. His Requiem performed in Paris had a choir of 200, 110 violins and 16 tympani (and the Brass section couldn't sit down). His music is great (although he couldn't play a single instrument properly) but his hair! Look at portraits of him. Even allowing for the exaggeration of contemporary cartoonists, Berlioz had the silliest hair in Classical Music.

In other news ...
HMS Resolution, Britain's first nuclear submarine was launched today by the Queen Mother in 1966. It was the first time that a Royal had used the well-known family Scuba-diving skills and the old girl hardly suffered the Bends at all.
Jolly good show, Your ex-Maj.

16th September

Alexander Korda was born today in 1893. Though Hungarian, he emigrated to Britain and made a host of rattling good yarns films like The Drum and The Four Feathers extolling the virtues of the British Empire and the Raj. Winston Churchill got him a k; they don't make directors like that any more. My good lady, the DI, tells of many a Sunday afternoon when she was a child when she and her mother were taken hostage by her father to watch The Four Feathers just one more time. When stressed, she still can lapse unconsciously into a rendition of several minutes of the dialogue, absolutely word perfect, even after all this time.

In other news ...
Tomas de Torquemada died on this day in 1498. Posterity has been pretty kind to this man, whose name is largely unknown today. He was the architect of the Holy Inquisition which saw the torture and execution of thousands of innocent people all over Europe. He deserves to be up there with Hitler, Stalin, Idi Amin, Pol Pot etc. Spread the word. He wasn't Mr Nice Guy.

15th September

The first British robot appeared today at the Model Engineering Exhibition in London in 1928. It immediately downed tools and refused to work until suitable arbitration had taken place vis-a-vis the workplace, an afternoon tea break and a tanner extra in the docket.

In other news ...
Titus Oates was born today in 1649. In case you're wondering who he is, he is the bloke who invented breakfast cereal and just popped out for a little while from Robert Falcon Scott's snowbound tent in the Antarctic.

So now you know.

14th September

Two extraordinary women died today in car crashes, fifty five years apart. The first was the dancer Isadora Duncan whose neck was broken as her trailing scarf got caught in the rear wheel of her Bugatti in 1927. The second was the gorgeous Princess Grace of Monaco (aka the actress Grace Kelly) whose sports car went off a road and plunged 120 feet over the edge. Both accidents happened near Nice and both women were already legends before Fate intervened.

In other news ...
Jack Hawkins was born today in 1910. The gravel-voiced actor always played officer or authority figures, from Gideon of the Yard to General Allenby. One of his last films was as General Picton in Waterloo by which time throat cancer had robbed him of his marvellous voice. What a loss.

13th September

An indelible stain was left on American prison authorities today in 1971 when 1500 New York State militiamen opened fire on protesting prisoners in Attica Jail near Buffalo. Ten guards and 29 convicts were killed.

In other news ...
'Black Jack' Pershing was born today in 1860. He was a gung-ho general of the Great War and a famous cavalry officer before that. He also introduced military music to the American army having seen the British Guards Division in action.
What a shame he couldn't teach them to march as well.

12th September

And so it begins, dear reader. Yesterday, for me, was what I call All Hell Day in which I enrolled the new Year 12, all of them convinced their GCSEs have been wrongly marked. I told them all to go and see that nice Mr Gove and gave them a few tips on urban terrorism to jolly things along.
Today is the start of the Michaelmas Term, as we used to call it when all members of staff in schools had Oxbridge degrees (that ended in about 1733).


William Boyd died today in 1972. Who he? I hear you ask. He was the hero of my childhood, better known as Hopalong Cassidy. He didn't hop very much but he sorted out the bad guys with his fists and his six-gun and rode on a white horse called Topper. He also wore a black hat (Hoppy, that is, not Toppy) which caused confusion because the good guys always wore white hats. What was the world coming to?

In other news ...
Maurice Chevalier was born today in 1888. He was an actor, acrobat and all round thoroughly twinkly old charmer. What a pity his Thank Heaven for Little Girls would be totally misconstrued today.

11th September

'People of the same trade seldom meet together but the conversation ends in a conspiracy against the public or in some diversion to raise prices.'

Adam Smith wrote this in The Wealth of Nations, published today in 1776. The Mother Shipton of his day, Smith was of course talking about bankers in the 21st century.

In other news ...
Oliver Cromwell ordered the slaughter of 1500 rebels at Drogheda on this day in 1649. Among them were women and children. The irony is that Cromwell today is regarded as one of the more tolerant of Puritans. It's just that Papists (i.e. the Irish) didn't come within the remit of his compassion. So next time you read something extolling the virtues of the Lord Protector, just bear Drogheda in mind. Oh, and Wexford too, because he did the same thing there.

10th September

Sevastopol fell to the British and French armies today in 1855 after an 11-month siege. It should never have taken that long but the Crimean War holds the record for the biggest number of military cock-ups in history (Ten Zed Oh - I will be needing more detail in your holiday projects, which I assume most of you busy writing today ahead of our first lesson together since July which is Period 3 the day after tomorrow, if I recall my timetable accurately). If you're ever in the Ukraine, go to the Panorama, a huge circular building lit by natural light which shows a single day during the siege in a 360 degree montage of paint and 3D models. It is an astonishing work of art. Imagine how much better it would have been if the Russians had won!

In other news ...
Today in 1962, Martin Luther King said, 'I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.' Think about that. It's really clever.

9th September

King James IV of Scotland was killed at Flodden today in 1513. The sneaky little non-Sassenach took the opportunity to invade England while Henry VIII was away fighting the Battle of the Spurs in France.

The moral of this story? Don't be a sneaky little non-Sassenach.

In other news ...
Chaim Topol was born today in 1935. I think he's a first rate actor and no doubt a lovely man, but oh dear, Fiddler on the Roof? It's just awful, nearly as bad in the film stakes as Gone With The wind and, the greatest turkey of all, The Sound of Music.

8th September

This review appeared in the Field and Stream magazine in 1961 -

'This pictorial account of the day-to-day life of a gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor inclined readers ... In this reviewer's opinion, the book cannot take the place of J R Miller's Practical Gamekeeping.'

This was of course a review of D H Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover and we must assume that Field and Stream was being tongue in cheek about the whole thing. Bums and Tits Weekly was rather more forthright, of course -

'What a load of $%^&*!!! The ^&%$£^* is pretty good but we also had all this %"**& about gamekeeping thrown in.'

In other news ...
Today in 1916 President Woodrow Wilson promised American women the vote.. He later withdrew the offer on the grounds that the First Lady, Mrs Woodrow Wilson, had him in a side head mare at the time and he wasn't thinking straight.

7th September

'Grandma' Moses was born today in 1860. Her real name was Anna Robertson and she began painting at the age of 78. In her 90s she took up break-dancing and won three gold medals in the 1952 Geriolympics, most notable leading the over Eighties Nudist Trampolining team to victory.

Go 'Grandma'!

In other news ...
The battle of Lepanto stopped the Ottoman advance into Europe today in 1571 when a Christian fleet led by Don John of Austria destroyed the galleys of Ali Pasha, releasing thousands of galley slaves in the process. Ali Pasha was killed and his head presented to Don John as a souvenir.

For a brilliant poetic account of the action, see  Battle of Lepanto by G K Chesterton. See, I've made it easy for you by adding a link (possibly ...)

Assuming this link works (which let's face it is unlikely) you will be transferred to a page from Untermeyer's splendid Modern British Poetry, from an edition when the wonderful Gilbert Keith was still among us - don't be confused by the lack of date of death, he is not still alive at almost 140, more's the pity. He actually died in 1936. He was, as they say, no age. If you are unfamiliar with his poetry, which is a little neglected these days, I really urge you to read some. You'll love it, I promise.

6th September

The Marquis de la Fayette was born today in 1757. Dashing, brave, romantic and with the obligatory white horse, he fought for the Americans during the War of Independence. The really smooth move came from Colonel C E Stanton when his troops arrived in Paris in 1917. He visited the great man's tomb and said, 'Lafayette, we are here!'

Just brilliant!

In other news ...
There was a glitch in the computer network in Paris today in 1989 when 41,000 people guilty of traffic violations like illegal parking and speeding, received letters charging them with extortion, prostitution and murder.
The Ministry of Justice at once apologized and sent all 41,000 to the guillotine on the grounds that there's no smoke without fire.

5th September

The longest-running comedy in the world - No Sex Please - We're British - closed in the West End today in 1987 after a 16 year run and 6671 performances. That's the one where the policeman did it - in the nude.

In other news ...

'I have not ruled out the possibility of one day coming to power.'
Who said this today in 1991? Was it:

1. Richard M Nixon
2. Tony Blair
3. Grand Duke Vladimir Kirillovitch
4. Simon Cowell?

4th September

As cool things go (I understand from my students that this is archaic young-person speak meaning 'impressive', 'to be admired') West German Mathias Rust has to take the biscuit (which is late Medieval speak for 'win the race' 'achieve the utmost') when he flew through Russian airspace on this day in 1987 and landed his light aircraft in Red Square. Just think what he could have done if he'd had the Luftwaffe with him!

In other news ...
'How can you bear to go further?' asked Lin Ze-Xu, the Chinese Imperial Commissioner in a letter to Queen Victoria today in 1839. 'Selling products injurious to others in order to fulfill your insatiable desire?'

It's not generally known that 'Vic the Kraut' as the Underworld knew her was a hopelessly depraved junkie and ran a Prostitute and Bootleg racket that made Al Capone look like Mother Theresa.

3rd September

This was the day in 1939 when Britain and France declared war on Nazi Germany. An apprehensive Britain crowded around their wireless sets to listen to the Prime Minister's announcement. They needn't have worried, though. As Alan Bennett pointed out in 40 Years On, 3 September was also the date of Cromwell's great victory over the Scots [Battle of Dunbar 1651, but you knew that already I am sure] but Hitler didn't know that. But then there were a lot of things Hitler didn't know (have you read Mein Kampf?).

In other news ...
Richard Plantagenet became Richard I of England today after years of fighting with his father, Henry II and brothers Geoffrey and John over the succession. Bearing in mind that this rather unpleasant psychopath spent only 6 months of a 10 year reign in this country, one wonders why.

2nd September

Sorry I missed yesterday, dear reader (I have done it now, so scroll backwards to read it) but as the new term looms I had to pop in to see Mr Gove to put him straight on a few matters. And don't worry - he won't be bothering any of us again.

Now, to more important matters ...

Ho Chi Minh (he of the city and the trail) made a nuisance of himself in Hanoi today in 1945 by proclaiming the Democratic Republic of Vietnam. As Commie as apple pie, he upset the Japanese, the French, the British and finally the Americans, leading to the deaths of thousands.

Why can't people realize that foreign powers lording it over them know best? (See Owain Glyndwr, William Wallace, Toussaint L'Overture, the Founding Fathers, Geronimo, Jomo Kenyatta etc etc etc).

In other news ...
Louis Napoleon surrendered to Kaiser Wilhelm of Prussia today in 1870 after being thoroughly trounced in the Franco-Prussian War which would see the new state of Germany emerge the following year. Masters of efficient and organized warfare, the Prussians had 26 railway lines to transport their troops to the killing fields. The French had one.

Go, as both the French and the Germans say today, figure.

1st September

A A Milne got it right today in 1919 with his comment on chess. He said 'It is impossible to win gracefully at chess. No one has yet said "Mate!" in a voice which failed to sound to his opponent bitter, boastful and malicious." How much better it would be to say 'Chum', 'Pal', 'Me Ol' Mucker'.

In other news ... the first supermarket in Britain opened today in 1951. It was called the Premier and it ushered in a whole raft of phrases in the English language that hadn't been heard before e.g. 'This is a colleague announcement'; 'on special offer today we have' and 'spillage in Aisle 14'.