30th June

Today in 1520, Montezuma, king of the Aztecs, was killed by Hernando Cortez's men in Tenochtitlan. He got his revenge however, as anyone who has ever eaten in a tapas bar can testify.

In other news ...
What is wrong with this sentence?

'At the trooping of the colour today the police arrested a youth who stepped from the crowd and fired a pistol at the Queen.'

Did you spot it? The queen was surrounded by hundreds of her soldiers, men armed to the teeth. They were, by definition, the Household Cavalry and the Guards. Their job when they were formed and when this incident happened in 1981 was and is to protect and defend the monarch. Instead, they let the police do it. What is the world coming to?

29th June

Forget the telly and the cinema - you can't beat live theatre. Today in 1603, Will Shaxsper was putting on his Henry V at the Globe Theatre and when the king came on, a real cannon was fired using real gunpowder. So far, so dramatic but unfortunately the place caught fire and burned down. Interviewed by The Stage the playwright said, 'These things happen. You can't write Hamlet without breaking a few eggs.'

In other news ...
What possessed this great country of ours to wait until today in 1801 to carry out the first census? Wouldn't 1800 have been neater? Or 1810? Incidentally, for the record, in 1801 there were 26,816 Jedi knights in the country. Where are they now?

28th June

The most bizarre incident in History occurred occurred today in 1950 when an American soccer team beat an English football team 1-0. You must understand, younger reader, that this was a time when nobody beat a British team, still less the Americans.

The reason, by the way, why no one has ever beaten an American football team playing American football (as opposed to soccer) is that no one understands the rules.

In other news ...
On this day in 1914, a 19 year old student, Gavrilo Princip, was sitting outside a cafe in Sarajevo. He was a member of a revolutionary gang, the Black Hand and was feeling pretty pleased with himself because he had just heard bombs going off across the city and felt pretty sure that his terrorist group's target, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, must be dead.

Imagine his surprise then when an open-topped car drove slowly past carrying Franz Ferdinand and his wife, Sophie. So what did Gavrilo do? He shot both the car's occupants dead and caused millions more deaths in World War One.

27th June

Charles Stuart Parnell was born today in 1846. He came to dominate Irish politics in the late 19th century, fillibustering in the Commons so that only Irish topics could be debated. Sadly for him, he had a bit of a thing for a married lady, Kitty O'Shea (Tessie's mum) and once the highly prudish Victorians found out about that, it was goodbye from Mr Parnell. He dropped 'Parnell' from his name, dropped the 'a' from Stuart and went on to discover lots of Australia.

Would I lie to you?

In other news ...

I would like to apologize for the unforgivable lateness of this Blog which should, of course, have appeared yesterday. We had new software installed by a vegetable who wiped all the old stuff off our computer. In common with various Big Banks, we will of course be paying vast amounts in compensation before falling on our swords to atone for our abject failure.

Would I lie to you?
No - but they would!

26th June

Peter Lorre was born today in 1904 in Hungary. He starred hysterically in the German film 'M', loosely based on the career of the serial killer Peter Kurten and went on to be decidedly creepy in B-feature horror flicks. His family were well known in showbiz; his mother Annie, was a Scottish tap dancer; his sone John was a star of Dad's Army on the telly; and his grandson Hugh used to be a comedian but has turned into a really curmudgeonly American doctor.

For extra points, dear reader - do you know the name of the cartoon character based on Lorre, a feature of several Bugs Bunny shorts? Well, I'll tell you, I don't want you to get too excited or despondent (depending on whether you know or not). It was Hugo, and the other one was Rocky, based on Edward G Robinson. Ah, film trivia - don't you just love it?

In other news ...
This was the day when JFK did his bit for US-German relations with the famous 'binliner' speech - 'All free men,' he said, 'wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin' - which is of course, patent nonsense. As was an earlier part of the speech - 'Civis Romanus sumi' (he meant 'sum' which means 'I am') and again, the parallel is nonsense. 'I am a Roman citizen' was a proud boast because half the 'civilized' world had been 'integrated' into the Roman Empire. Much of Europe had been 'integrated' by Berlin, too, in a little thing called World War Two. So what was JFK saying? Nazi domination is a good thing? Remember, he was chummy with that good old SS Sturmbannfuhrer, Wernher von Braun.

25th June

The older ones among us can remember the balmy days when there was a place off the Adriatic called Yugoslavia. It was ruled by an enlightened despot called Tito, who, while a Communist, refused to bow down to Moscow. Then, on this day in 1991, Slovenia and Croatia declared independence from Yugoslavia and what was once a beautiful country of fine wine (former Yugoslavian red), sunkissed beaches and Medieval castles became a war zone.

What are the Balkans for? Answers please, on a postcard, to Archduke Franz Ferdinand, the Railway Station, Sarajevo.

In other news ...
Isn't it funny how Musicals cause such affront. What was created as a fun entertainment usually upsets somebody. Seven Brides for seven Brothers (written by Johnny Mercer who died today in 1976) is based (albeit loosely) on the rape of the Sabine Women. Showboat and Porgy and Bess exploit black people. Jesus Christ Superstar was blasphemous from note one. Oklahoma seemed to imply that the inhabitants of the Mid West were a wagonload short of a train. Carousel was unkind to Fairground Folk. The list just goes on and on.

And talking of that, why has nobody made a Musical out of Schindler's List yet?

Or have they?

24th June

Today in 1947 the world officially went mad. An experienced pilot claimed that he saw nine unidentifiable disc-shaped objects in the sky over Washington State. He was either on something or was one of the most brilliant PR men in history. Single-handedly he gave birth to the UFO industry, Greys, Little Green Men, Roswell and Close Encounters of the Highly Improbable Kind. You couldn't make it up.

In other news ...
24th June 1876.

Custer 0, Crazy Horse 1.

Nuff said.

23rd June

'Ne ce soir, Josephine,' Napoleon is reputed to have said, which is a shame because Josephine de Beauharnais was a bit of a cracker. as a child of the West Indies, she was the subject of one of Elvis's best known films, Kid Creole, though I have to say I always thought he was a little miscast. Anyhoo, born today in 1763, she was dazzling, vivacious, funny and intelligent, as opposed to Napoleon's second wife, the terribly boring Marie-Louise. What possessed Napoleon to jilt Josephine for Marie-Louise? Josephine didn't provide him with an heir; Marie-Louise did.

Go, as our American cousins say for some ungrammatical reason, figure.

In other news ...
The British won a classic victory today over Suraj-od-Dowlah, the Namib of Bengal. Robert Clive (he of India) was a very strange man, haunted by rumours of cowardice. According to the incomparable Sellar and Yeatman of 1066 and All That fame, he was a typist in the East India Company. Actually of course he was a brilliant general who just happened to have a City and Guilds in keyboard skills.

Check out his victory at Plassey on this day in 1757.

22nd June

'When Barbarossa commences,' Adolf Hitler said on this day in 1941, 'the world will hold its breath and make no comment.' Barbarossa was the codename for the Nazi invasion of Russia and, not for the first or last time, Adi got it wrong. The Red Army fought him to a standstill and then drove him back.
Nazi Germany 0; USSR 1

In other news ...
Fred Astaire, the brilliant dancer, died today in 1987 at the age of 88. For all you feminists out there, I'd just like to remind you that everything Ginger Rogers did, Fred Astaire did too - only forwards.

21st June

Prince William was born today in 1982, a bonny 7 lb. Like all babies he had blue eyes and his doting father said that the boy had 'sort of blondish hair, but it'll probably turn into something else later.'

He was right - William is now the Hair Apparent.

In other news ...
The flight to Varennes took place today in 1791. What's that? I hear my reader cry - a balloon ascent? A Frenchman beating the Wright Brothers to it by 111 years? No, it was Louis XVI's attempted escape out of the clutches of the Revolutionary government who wanted his head. My gripe is this - all the history books refer to the flight to Varennes as though that was Louis' ultimate destination ('If you're tired of Varennes, you're tired of life' - Dr Johnson). In fact, of course - and no disrespect to Varennes, which I am sure is simply lovely - he was just passing through, trying to get somewhere else when he was recognized.

The upshot? A date with Madame Guillotine.

20th June

Errol Leslie Thompson Flynn was born today in 1909. They don't make them that way any more. Whether he was fighting bad Prince John in Robin Hood or the dastardly Surat Khan and the Russians in The Charge of the Light Brigade or dying against impossible odds in The Died With Their Boots On (probably the worst film in history, by the way), you always knew exactly were you were with this happy-go-lucky charmer. And how sensible to use his first and last names. Imagine how flat the posters would have looked - The Sea Hawk starring Leslie Thompson!

In other news ...
Broadway was taken by storm tonight back in 1930 in a show called Hot Chocolates. It starred 'Fats' Waller and 'Satchmo' Armstrong, along with 'Jazz Lips' Richardson and 'Baby' Cox. Also in the lineup but not credited were 'Forehead' McCluskey and 'Testicles' Marceaux.

19th June

On this day in 1829, the Home secretary, Sir Robert Peel, formed the Metropolitan Police. He had already set up the Irish Constabulary and made huge strides in reform of the criminal law, making him one of the most brilliant Home Secs of all time. Unfortunately the boys in blue let him down. of the original 3000 recruits, most were dismissed within 18 months for drunkenness and bribe-taking.

How often have we heard it? You can't get the staff!

In other news ...
George Mallory died today on Everest, 1000 feet from the summit. When asked why he wanted to do it, he famously replied, 'Because it's there.' His body was discovered in 1999 lying face down on the scree. The high altitude and weather had effectively mummified him and his body was left in situ. The great conundrum of course is - had he already reached the summit before he fell and broke his leg or was he still on the way up?

18th June

It was a 'near-run thing' today in 1815 when Napoleon Bonaparte, arguably the greatest general in history, was defeated by a combined force of British and Prussian troops under Wellington and Blucher respectively. If you're British, you'll claim the British won it; if you're German, you'll claim it was down to the Prussians. If you're French you'll whine and whinge and promise to do better in the two world wars.
Ah ...

In other news ...
And on the subject of France in world wars, General Charles de Gaulle urged on his fellow countrymen today to fight on under German occupation in 1940. Gung-Ho! you might cry, except that de Gaulle said this over the radio from London, which, while not exactly a safe haven Blitz-wise, was certainly not under the Nazi jackboot.

17th June

The Battle of Bunker Hill was fought today just outside Boston, Massachusetts in 1775. A very dear friend of mine (also an historian) visited the scene some years ago and, as the only Englishman there, was asked who won the battle. Ever the gentleman and with a fine regard for the 'special relationship', he said it was an honourable draw. My friend delighted the Americans on hand but of course he had his fingers crossed behind his back at the time. Bunker Hill was a British victory.
For the record: GB 1; USA 0 (as all subsequent Rugby matches have proved).

In other news ...
Well, it's the same news, really. American soldier William Prescott, at Bunker Hill, is credited with the B-Western cliche original 'Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes.' Depending on your length of vision, that means you would fire your [flintlock] musket about ten yards away from your victim. yes, you'd probably kill him but behind him were a lot of other blokes like him. Bearing in mind the reload time of a flintlock, that would mean that Mr Prescott himself would die seconds later. Far more sensible advice would be 'Fire as soon as you see anybody coming towards you, then reload like Hell and fire again!'

16th June

Today in 1835 William Lovett set up the London Working Men's Association which segued into the Chartist movement some months later. For the record, the 6 points of the Peoples' Charter were:

1. Universal male suffrage
2. Equal Electoral Districts
3. Payment for MPs
4. Abolition of property qualification for MPs
5. Secret Ballot
6. Annual Parliaments 

(not necessarily in that order). What Lovett was trying to do was to establish a true democracy (but note, he dropped women from the equation fairly early as being unworkable). The government of the day found all this far too subversive and the movement failed. Yet today, all of it is law except Annual Parliaments (on the practical grounds of expense and upheaval). So let's have a People's Charter for 2012:

1. No Old Etonians in government
2. No coalitions
3. No involvement in politics by the Lib-Dems
4. Compulsory retirement age in House of Lords of 65
5. No House of Lords.

That makes a lot more sense!

In other news ...
Charles Sturt, who discovered most of Australia died today in 1869. He went to Australia because he was tired of people thinking he was Charles Stuart and being the butt of various unpleasant decapitation jokes.

15th June

All right, it happened today in 1215 but let me put the record straight once and for all. King John did not sign the document called Magna Carta (never the Magna Carta, children); he put his seal to it - the official, legal way of agreeing with what the document said (which he didn't, by the way). There is a memorial to JFK and western democracy in the field where all this took place (then called Runnymede or wet meadow, an island in the Thames). Why? Magna Carta had nothing whatsoever to do with

1. America (which hadn't been invented in 1215)
2. Democracy (even though the Greeks had already invented this, they had forgotten all about it by 1215)
3. The rights of Englishmen (Englishmen - not to mention women and children - would remain downtrodden for the next six hundred years.

All Magna Carta was was a list of 63 gripes by the barons complaining that King John was trying to knock them into line.
Some things in history get distorted - live with it!

In other news ...
On this day in 1825, the Duke of York (who was pretty grand not to mention old, according to some accounts) laid the foundation stone of the new London Bridge. He was in Arizona at the time on a fact-finding tour of Third World Countries.

14th June

Legend has it that after his victory at Marengo today in 1800, Napoleon asked his chef to cook something to commemorate the victory. It has come to be known as Chicken Marengo and ranks alongside other great culinary victories as

• Haddock Grammicus (Alexander the Great
• Escargots Alesia (Julius Caesar)
• Eggs Agincourt (Henry V
• Mushrooms Cape St Vincent (Nelson)
• Onions Chickamanga (Ulysses Grant)
• Bananas Mersch Matruh (Erwin Rommel)

Scrummy!

In other news ...
Actor and President Ronald Reagan became Sir Ronald today in 1989 when he was dubbed by Her Majesty. Other America recipients include George Dub You Bush and James Earl Jones. Count Basie doesn't count.

13th June

On this day in 1842, Queen Victoria became the first royal to travel by train, between Slough and Paddington. There were leaves on the line so part of the journey was undertaken by bus (horse-drawn, of course, in those days) especially after a signal failure on the Stockton-Darlington (three hundred miles away). A spokesman for Railtrack said the problem was regrettable but it should be fixed in time for the queen's Silver Jubilee in 1862 (unless, of course, Prince Albert dies, in which case she won't hold one).

In other news ...
Dear old Bazza (Basil Rathbone to you) was born today in 1892. He was actually South African (which wasn't his fault) and he was the best Sherlock Holmes ever, playing the Junkie of Baker Street no less than fourteen times (and beating him every time). He was a suave, deadly film villain too and a brilliant swordsman. Next time you watch the classic duel at the end of Errol Flynn's Robin Hood (and you will!) keep a careful eye on Bazza. He's having to slow down and compensate for Flynn, who was no slouch with a sword himself. It would have been too downbeat in 1938 for Guy of Gisborne to have killed Robin, but that's how it should have been.

12th June

Today in 1931, Alfonso Capone, the son of a Neapolitan barber, was charged with 5000 offences under America's Prohibition Laws. This man had orchestrated the St Valentine's Day Massacre, made an estimated $100 million from bootlegging, racketeering and prostitution and once beat a man to death with a baseball bat. How mad has the world become when all they could actually get him on was tax evasion (the 1930s equivalent of parking on a double yellow line). I can't help thinking a bullet in the head would have been more appropriate, cheaper and final.

In other news ...
Vic Damone, the American singer who had a smash hit with On the Street Where You Live from My Fair Lady was born today in 1928. I only mention him because until I was sixteen I was convinced his name was Victor Moan and I couldn't help thinking that that was a rather risky handle for a vocalist. Mr Damone is happily still with us, I believe, and so a very happy 84th birthday to him, for today.

11th June

On this day back in 1509 the marriage took place of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon. The poor girl had been kept dangling about, ignored and broke, after her first husband, Henry's big brother Arthur (whose first wife was Guinevere) died. Arthur was only a lad himself at the time and Catherine claimed the marriage was never consummated (which was not what Arthur said, by the way). The whole thing ended in tears, of course, when Henry discovered that his new wife was playing fast and loose with Lancelot du Lac whose illegitimate son Kid Galahad had just been played by Elvis Presley, in the film of the same name.

I hope you're paying attention to all this. I am an historian, you know.

In other news ...
Ben Jonson was born today in 1572. He was a poet and playwright, well known on the London scene for his short temper (he once killed a man in a duel). Shakespeare referred to him as 'Rare Ben Jonson' but actually he was pretty unique and far more interesting than the rather boring little glover from Stratford.

10th June

722 years ago today Frederick Barbarossa (the red-bearded) was swept away in a swollen river on his way to the Third Crusade. It was destined, really. There were already so many egos in that war - Richard the Lionheart, Philip of France, Leopold of Austria, Saladin - and don't get me started on Nicholas of Montferrat! It's difficult to see how Frederick would have fitted in.

In other news ...
The first University Boat Race took place today in 1829. Because one team came from Cambridge and the other from Oxford, they naturally decided to hold the contest in London. Why there was no outcry from London University, I can't imagine, unless of course, University College and King's College were slugging it out on the Cam.

9th June

My avid reader will have noticed that there was no Blog [yesterday/today?]. That's because it was St Maxwell's Day. Who he? I hear you cry. The original Maxwell was a sailor my grandfather knew, who had so many things that he wanted to do ... you know the rest. Or perhaps you don't. It's by AA Milne - I'd look it up for you, but I don't do anything on St Maxwell's Day ...

8th June

Edward of Woodstock, the Black Prince, died today in 1376, possibly of the plague. A brilliant soldier and a tough nut, his death paved the way for the reign of his son, Richard II. who started well by confronting peasants on the rampage in London when he was fourteen. After that it was downhill all the way until he lost his throne, his horse and his life to Henry Bolingbroke.

In other news ...
Today in 1969 General Franco closed the frontier between Spain and Gibraltar hoping to ruin its economy. He clearly hadn't noticed that Gib. could be supplied by sea indefinitely, so how was that going to work? It got me thinking, though, about who owns what and how it should all be given back. Britain belongs to the Celts (that's the Welsh, Irish and Scots) so the English can go home. Where's that? Well, some of them have to go to Denmark, Norway and Sweden and others to North Germany. And don't get me started on how the Americans are going to cope.
It is time, however, that we returned the Elgin Marbles to Greece. Their return alone would restore the country's economy overnight.

7th June

Who was the oldest person to win an Oscar? It was Jessica Tandy, born on this day in 1909. She was 80 at the time and the film was Driving Miss Daisy.

In other news ...
If, like me, you are all Jubileed out after the events of the last few days, you might like to remember that there was a prequel, on this day in 1977 - the Silver Jubilee of HMEII. It was a novelty then - we hadn't had a Silver Jubilee since George V just managed to squeeze one in before he died. England can take it!

A personal note here - as you all know if you have been paying even scant attention to this blog that I am not a musical person. But even I, even I with my tin ear (and, according to a rumour started by Year 11, a tin leg) could tell that the Jubilee Concert was truly appalling. Listen to me now you oldies - with the notable exception of Tom Jones - you can't sing these days, boys; give it up!! In the case of Cheryl Cole, not even the years can be used as an excuse. She just can't sing. But Paul McCartney, Cliff Richard ... it was appalling. And don't get me started on Rolf Harris ...... The mem has just come in to drag me from the keyboard, having heard my inchoate yelling, so I must sign off, but really ...

6th June

Today was the beginning of the end of Hitler's 1000 year Reich in 1944 when thousands of British, Americans and even some Frenchmen waded ashore on the Normandy beaches as part of Operation Overlord. This was D-Day, deliverance day and after the shambles of similar operations in earlier wars (Napoleonic and First World, for instance) no one was sure it would actually work. Troops were driven into the shallows by amphibious vehicles known as Ducks and people should have had more faith in them. They appeared as early as 1200(ish) in Russell Crowe's Robin Hood (2010). Oh, ye of little faith!

Oh for heaven's sake, 7 Double You You, yes, I am joking. No, they didn't have them. No, I have no idea what accent Russell Crowe is attempting in the film.

In other news ...
1984 hit the bookshops today in 1949. George Orwell's pessimistic view of the future looked forward to a time when two of the worst television programmes in history would actually have a following - Room 101 and Big Brother.

Two little known facts for you now:

Firstly (and obviously when you think about it) Orwell simply reversed the date when he wrote the book and as he was writing in 1948, he called it 1984. If he had chosen the publication date instead, he would have called in 1994. So there was absolutely no clever predictions going on - nothing was going to happen in 1984 and by gum, nothing did.

Secondly, George Orwell was really Eric Blair, father of a future Prime Minister.

Who knew?

5th June

It was another dark day for the Kennedy family and the world today in 1968 when Robert Kennedy, seeking political nomination, was shot in the kitchen lobby of the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles. His killer was a Jordanian, Sirhan Sirhan (so good they named him twice) but who was the woman in the polka-dot dress who rushed into the street after the shooting, shouting, 'We've got him'? And did she mean Kennedy or Sirhan?

Answers please, on a postcard to:

Conspiracy Theories 4U, 1612 Grassy Knoll, Roswell, New Mexico, Nr Area 51.

In other news ...

Today in 1989 the world watched amazed as a trade union organization - Solidarnosc - beat the Communist party in the first free elections in Poland since the First World War.

Nice one, Lech!

4th June

Some of you may know that I am something of a cavalry buff, with several hundred 54 mm members of the Light Brigade saddled up for the Charge in my attic. 207 years ago today the first ever Trooping of the Colour took place in Horse Guards Parade. What was great about that is that it was carried out by regiments wearing what was then fighting gear - bearskin on their heads; elephant ivory on their sword-hilts; egret and swans' feather plumes. Sealskin busbies for the Hussars hadn't quite come in then, but somebody in the fashion-conscious Horse Guards was working on it.

In other news ...
Today in 1937 the worst machine in the history of mankind came into use in a supermarket in Oklahoma. It was the shopping trolley, designed to take the weight off your arms so that you are tempted to spend more. It had the essential features that its modern counterparts still retain:-

• Wheels that never go where you want them to
• Awkward projections that make them jam with others in car parks
• Kiddie seats into which kiddies positively refuse to go.

3rd June

The British navy won a victory today in 1665 over the Dutch fleet. Let's not get too smug however - as well as contending with the plague and the fire of London in an eighteen month period around then, we also sat back and watched the same Dutch sail up the Medway and pinch our flagship! Annus horribilis or what?

In other news ...
You know how it is, chaps; she says 'But we spent last Christmas at your mother's' or 'I did let you go to Twickenham'. Well, Edward VIII (the 53 week king) once said 'Of course, I do have a slight advantage over the rest of you. It helps in a pinch to be able to remind your bride that you gave up a throne for her.' He married Wallis Simpson today in 1937.

2nd June

I absolutely refuse to mention the Jubilee. Oh, dear, I've blown it.

In other news ...
Rex Harrison died today in 1990. He was suave and sophisticated and is best known for the following roles:

• Rex Harrison in Blithe Spirit
• Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady
• Rex Harrison in Cleopatra
• Rex Harrison in The Agony and the Ecstasy.

For My Fair Lady he won an Academy Award and a Rex.

1st June

On this day in 1935 the British government hit upon a brilliant idea (the last one before that had been in 1215). It was to test motorists on their driving skills. Now - a little test for you (multi choice to make it easier)

Was the Driving Test-

1. A good, life-saving idea?
2. The start of the Nanny state?
3. A chance for every family in the land to be bankrupted by the extortionate cost of driving lessons?

In other news ...
Sax Rohmer died today in 1959. Who he? I hear you cry. He was the creator of Dr Fu Manchu. the unscrupulous wily Oriental baddie written at a time when you were allowed to regard orientals as unscrupulous, wily and baddies.