24th December

'Twas the night before Christmas and in 1828 William Burke went on trial in Edinburgh for the murder of Daft Jamie and grave robbery. Note to the legal profession and every other organization (except teaching, of course) that closes for two-three weeks around Christmas time - IN OLDEN TIMES PEOPLE ACTUALLY WORKED FOR A LIVING!

In case you're interested, Burke and his accomplice Hare (who got off by stitching up his mate) were robbing graves and murdering people to see the bodies to anatomists who needed freshish corpses for dissection. Burke was found guilty and hanged and - how neat is this? - dissected.

In other news ...
They thought they'd found Lord Lucan today in 1974. He was the chappie, you'll remember, who did a runner after allegedly murdering his children's nanny. In fact, 'Lucan' turned out to be John Stonehouse, a rather dodgy MP who was believed to have drowned off Miami but had in fact faked his own death.

You really couldn't make it up!

23rd December

Joseph Hansom patented his famous 'safety cab' today in 1834. Not only did he create the best known image of the 19th century street scene, but he paved the way for that immortal line in Kenneth Horne's Beyond Our Ken on the radio (circa 1964) - 'My name is immaterial. Sir James Immaterial. And I am talking of a time when England was full of Hansom cabs and ugly furniture.'

They don't write them like that any more.

In other news ...
Vincent van Gogh cut off his earlobe today. The usual explanation for this is that

1. he was mad
2. he'd had a row with Paul Gaugin.

In fact, it all happened because he saw Gaugin's work and said, 'Paul, me ol' mucker, I'd give my right ear to be able to paint as good as like what you do.'

And of course, he was mad.

22nd December

James Edward Stuart, son of the deposed James II, landed at Peterhead in Scotland today in 1715. Rightfully king of England, his aim was to overthrow the usurper, George I, who was the son of the usurper Electress Sophie, who was a cousin of the usurper Anne, who was the sister and sister-in-law respectively of Mary and William who had taken the throne from James's dad in the first place. (Do keep up, Seven Bee Four; it really couldn't be simpler).

So, despite a promising start, why did James not succeed in getting his throne back? He was only Pretending.

In other news...
Mary Ann Evans died today in 1880. She is better known as George Eliot and used the male nom de plume to get her novels published in a male-dominated, sexist world. That got me thinking of other writers whose real names should be exposed e.g. Ellis Peters (Edith Pargeter); Currer Bell (Charlotte Bronte) and Andy McNab (Priscilla-May Blenkinsop).

21st December

This was the day in 1978 when Denis Healey famously described Geoffrey Howe's attack on his budget proposals as 'like being savaged by a dead sheep'.

Howe had the last laugh, however. When he was made a member of the House of Lords, his crest was a vicious-looking wolf in sheep's clothing.

Nice one.

In other news ...
Walt Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves appeared on American cinema screens today in 1935 ushering in a brilliant new era of cartooning. Today's techniques have eclipsed it but it's still a marvellous film and the old crone with her poisonous apple is still every child's nightmare, even today.

The porn version - Snow White and the Seven Perverts - failed to make much of an impact.

And, of course, the End of the World is no longer nigh - again. I was out shopping in Leighford High Street this morning at 11.11 and it was eerie .... everything went on exactly as normal. So, all you girls of Ten Pea Zed, come out from under your duvets and stop sobbing and texting each other - it was only a story. Perhaps you'll listen to me next time ... now that would be the end of the world!

I suppose I should write tomorrow's blog, now we are still here!

20th December

The Gallipoli campaign ended in disaster today in 1915. The idea was to hit 'the soft underbelly of Europe' by attacking the Turks via Constantinople (that's Istanbul to you, Eleven Eff Eight) but it all went horribly pear-shaped. First the Royal Navy chickened out believing there were hundreds of mines across the Straits called the Dardenelles (there were only four left when they came to this decision). So the army had to go in alone and landed from rowing boats while being machine-gunned from the dunes. The Turks were stiffened by crack German troops and the Allies never had enough men, guns or ammunition (especially high explosives) because these things were need at the Western Front in France.

Ironically the best thing about Gallipoli was the withdrawal, accomplished in one night, in total secrecy. The enemy had no idea we'd gone. Those responsible? Winston Churchill - ridiculous, ambitious ideas, ill thought-out; Lord Kitchener - too mean with the hardware; General Sir Ian Hamilton, local commander - no clue.

In other news ...
Boris Yeltsin (see yesterday's blog) announced today in 1991 that Russia wanted to join NATO. He also wanted flying pigs, three pink elephants and life membership of the Bullingdon Club.

19th December

It was a bad day for Russia today in 1991 when Mikhail Gorbachev resigned. The architect of perestroika and glasnost, he handled the collapse of the USSR with flair and skill. He was replaced by a drunk, Boris Yeltsin.

In other news ...
Ralph Richardson was born today in 1902. One of the best known classical actors of his generation, he excelled in Shakespearean roles but also took to films like a duck to water. I stand to be corrected, but I think he was the only actor to play William Gladstone in the history of the cinema. He could also be seen roaring around the Home Counties on a powerful motorbike when in his seventies. To our minds (the collective known as the Carpenter-Maxwells, that is) his best cinema moment was as the Supreme Being in Time Bandits. But that's us for you.

18th December

When David, Prince of Wales (he who later became a Nazi and married a bloke called Mrs Simpson if you believe various theories) asked the Commander in Chief of the army, Lord Kitchener, if he could go to the Front in the First World War (this was 1914, by the way) the Field Marshal replied, 'I don't mind your being killed but I object to your being taken prisoner'.

Thanks, Kitch. Right back atchya!

In other news ...

Joseph Grimaldi was born today in 1779. When he developed the white face clown make-up, he thought he was adding to the laughs and lustre of the circus. Unfortunately, he was only prefiguring all those creepy killer-clown movies of the Seventies onwards and condemning generations of people to a life lived under the weight of their coulrophobia.

Incidentally, Mrs B., cleaner of this parish, is a renowned coulrophobe. She once knocked Mr B unconscious because he jumped out at her suddenly wearing a glace cherry on his nose and precious little else. Or at least, that's her story and she's sticking to it.