7th March

Today is International Rhine Crossing day and several thousand will be doing it, the Germans going one way and everybody Else the other. The first crossing took place on this day in 1936 when Nazi troops moved into the Demilitarized Zone that had been set up by the Treaty of Versailles in 1919. Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin told Herr Hitler not to do it again but the Fuhrer couldn't speak English, so it was rather a waste of time.
Exactly nine months later, American troops crossed the river at Remagen with the express intention of shouting a bit louder at the Fuhrer, this time in German so he could understand it.

In other news ...
Today was the day when the enlightened Swiss, originators of yodelling, cheese and national heroes who are whizzo shots with a crossbow gave women the vote. The day was 7 March but what was the year, I hear you cry. 1748? 1812? No, it was 1971, making Swiss men about as enlightened and democratic as Attila the Hun.

6th March

My favourite swordsman of all time was born today in 1619. He was Hercule-Savinien Cyrano de Bergerac, novelist, playwright, poet, scientist and owner of the largest nose in showbiz. He is said to have fought over 1000 duels over insults to his hooter and won them all. As a very young teacher I once played him in a school production and judging by Nolan's prowess with a (mercifully plastic!) blade, he might yet follow in his dad's footsteps in the same role.
If you haven't seen the Jose Ferrer film about the guy, made back in the Fifties, make sure you do. If you haven't seen the Gerard Depardieu remake - keep it that way!

In other news ...
Oscar Strauss was born on this day in 1870. His birthplace was Vienna and he wrote the opera The Chocolate Soldier. But he was totally eclipsed by his Jewish cousin, Levi, who invented jeans.

5th March

The most brilliant fighter plane of all time, the Spitfire, soared over the skies of Britain today in 1936. built by Vickers with a Rolls Royce Merlin engine, the plane was to prove more than a match for the Messerschmidt 109 which Willi of the same name had already brought out in Germany. I remember seeing an advert (which was never shown for fear of upsetting our dearest partners in the EU - how soon they forget) showing a Spitfire doing a victory roll over the White Cliffs of Dover and the voiceover saying 'Because he was there, we don't have to say "Vorsprung durch technik".'

Thank you, RJ Mitchell and all the men (and women) who flew them.

In other news ...
Eighty two years ago, Clarence Birdseye came out with his frozen peas. They were round and green and tasted just like the real thing, only colder. Clarence was a New York food scientist and joined the ranks of other cryo-culinarists such as Alvin Findus and Mervyn McCain to bring us such delights as the 20 second sausage and the 5 second baked potato. To steal a thought from Homer Simpson, reading the back of a ready meal - 5 seconds! How can anybody wait that long?

4th March

On this day back in 1681 Charles II lost it completely. He signed a treaty giving a huge chunk of territory (which didn't belong to him anyway) to a Quaker called William Penn. Not only that but the king wrote off Penn's debts of £16,000 (£29 million today) and effectively gave Penn the power of a dictator. So grateful was the Quaker that he refused to take his hat off in the royal presence, gave the territory the self-effacing name of Pennsylvania (that's Penn's Wood in case you were wondering, Nine Eff Are) and went on to make a famous breakfast cereal from the oats he used to feed his horse.

Detective Inspector Carpenter-Maxwell and I are applying to Her Majesty this very day to get her to cover our mortgage and outgoings and give us Ottawa or failing that New South Wales. If William Penn can do it ...

In other news ...
Saladin died in Damascus today in 1193. His real name was Salah-ed-Din and he was either a nationalist hero or an Arab fundamentalist, depending on your point of view. I go with the first version and there are two stories about him which show what a thorough-going 12th century gent he was. When Richard the Lionheart (psychopath, homosexual - but that's another story) lay seriously ill with fever during the Third Crusade, Saladin sent him snow from the mountains to bring his temperature down. On another occasion, Richard proved he'd recovered by smashing an anvil in half with his broadsword (see - I told you he was a psychopath) while Saladin threw a silk handkerchief in the air and caught it on the blade of his scimitar which slit the handkerchief in half. How stylish is that?

Neither of these stories is true, of course, but wouldn't it be nice if they were?

3rd March

I'm writing this one in a whisper so that I don't upset the cat. You see, on this day in 1848, his namesake, Count Metternich, was overthrown by rebels in Vienna during the Year of Revolutions. All Hell was let loose all over Europe in fact by people demanding the vote, more food, the setting up of republics, more food, the end of aristocracy and the power of the church and more food. Louis Philippe's palace was destroyed the previous month in France. Venice broke away from Austrian control. There were barricades and burnings and running battles in just about every European capital.

Except London. To be fair, we did have a Chartist rally (the Chartists were those lunatics who wanted the vote and five other ludicrous demands) but it was typically British. The petition of 5 million names demanding reform actually contained less than 2 million and they included the Duke of Wellington (who would have put himself through the shredder before allowing any kind of reform) and Victoria Rex (King Victoria). Others were Pug Nose, Big Ears etc. All of which goes to show how seriously we British took our politics. Incidentally, in this rally, there were far more policemen than protesters (David Cameron, are you listening?)

In other news ...

Jean Harlow, the platinum blonde star of the new talkie screen was born today in 1911. Margot Asquith, when addressed by the star as Margotte, replied, 'the "t" is silent, as in Harlot [pronouncing it Harlow, of course].'  But as Temperance Brennan of Bones would say, there is no 't' in Harlow, so that is not only illogical but it is non-consequential and ultimately unamusing. Although we at Maxwell Towers have been known to double up over it. It is one up on the 'pee is silent as in the bath' joke - but not by much.

2nd March

John Wesley died today in 1791. One of a huge family from Epworth in Lincolnshire (the family home is a museum today) Wesley went to Oxford and joined the Holy Club, a group of practical do-gooders at a time when the Church of England, which he also joined was more concerned with lining its own pockets and only worked one day a week. He brought religion to the people at a time when the dear old C of E had largely abandoned them, preaching in the open air in industrial areas. He was autocratic (his enemies called him Pope John) and his medical remedies could kill you, but if you want a moment of pure peace, visit the Methodist chapel in Bristol where he used to preach. The stable for his horse is just next door and amongst the noise and bustle of a modern city, you are transported back to another time.

Way to go, John.

In other news ...
I'm probably a Philistine, but what is it about ballet? The first one to be staged in England, The Loves of Mars and Venus, was performed at a Drury Lane theatre on this day back in 1717. Take a dramatic event - let's say the slave revolt of the gladiator Spartacus - and let's have a load of blokes with no strides on (that's a direct quote from Paul Hogan, by the way) jumping around to music.
Spartacus must be turning in his grave. And don't get me started on Billy Elliott!

1st March

Dewi Sant - St David - what a guy. Patron Saint of Wales. He died in 601 according to the Annales Cambriae (that's Welsh Chronicles to you, Nine Oh Dee) but that wasn't written until the 10th century, so you can't be sure. He was the Bishop of Moni Judeorum (later St David's) in Pembrokeshire and presided over two Welsh synods (church bashes) ...

... Is that it? You don't have to do much to be a patron saint these days, do you?

In other news ...

One of the most over-rated books of all time hit French newsstands today in 1555. It was called the Book of Centuries and was written by Michel de Notre Dame, better known by his Latin monicker Nostradamus. In this mischievous piece of nonsense, believed in implicitly by millions worldwide, is a series of predictions including the Great Fire of London (inevitable in a city built on too small an area and almost entirely of wood); the French Revolution (they'd already had several by Nostradamus' time); the rise of Hitler (from a country that had already produced Attila the Hun). In short, nothing surprising at all. as somebody once said, isn't it strange, if Nostradamus was such a know-all, that he didn't see fit to warn us about Pot Noodles.

And there's something even spookier. Did you notice the book was published in 1555? That's not only nearly the Number of the Beast, it's also, according to TV cop shows, the telephone number of everybody in America.

Coo.

But seriously, if you, my sensible follower, know anyone worried by Nostradamus, Mother Shipton, Mayan prophecies and the rest - steer them to Good Omens by Gaiman and Pratchett, for a hilarious alternative look at prophecy and the end of days. Even if they are still worried when they have read it, they will at least have had a laugh.